Congratulations to everyone for getting through the decade of January (honestly, the month was long) and breezing through February. On my little island, we’re having 40s/50s days, thankfully, breezy and chilly at times. I’m not complaining at all. I’ve been visiting my two boys, Boots and Bobcat, at the Animal Protection Society of Friday Harbor (If you would like to make a donation in their name, use the Brick Fund they have set up).
My writing has taken a back seat to the news my ex-husband committed suicide last month. I’ve talked about it over social media to share so others who may be going through the same thing will know they are not alone. Having conflicted emotions is normal, to love who they were and hate who they became. The picture is of our wedding in 2015, I loved him so much! His personality changed little by little so that I was forced to leave to save myself. He was troubled, unhappy and miserable in life. There was nothing I could say, think, feel or do to make him better. I was devastated to learn he had suicided. He left messages for me on his Dell computer and Samsung smartphone but the Tacoma Police Department will not return my messages or return them to me. What had he said?
Moving on from from a loved one that has taken their own life is difficult, at best. There are questions that will never be answered, loneliness that you realize they must have felt, the despair they must have been feeling. It’s all there. But, you also realize that they pushed everyone away, willingly, they planned for their end, alone. The knowledge doesn’t make the feeling better. You wish they would have reached out to someone, anyone. You don’t know the pain they must have been in, the ‘no-way-out’ thought processes they were thinking. All you can do is remember them for who they were, the good times and realize whatever pain they were in, is now gone for them.